


I Am Living Still

by sian1359



Category: Stargate Atlantis
Genre: Camping, Multi, Vignette
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2009-12-12
Updated: 2009-12-12
Packaged: 2017-10-04 09:09:02
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 8,033
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28306
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sian1359/pseuds/sian1359
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Down-time</p>
            </blockquote>





	I Am Living Still

**Author's Note:**

> Written for the SGA Flashfic Ancient History Challenge. Takes place in Season Three between _Common Ground_ and _McKay and Mrs. Miller_, but does work with canon from Season Four's _Outcast_ (Sheppard's "backstory"). Title is a line lifted from _Highwayman_. It and all of the other referenced tunes have imbedded links (assuming I figure out how to do it properly), otherwise links will follow the story if anyone's interested in joining my self indulgence. Most are youtube videos of the actual performers, with a couple just being the audio track. _Sink the Bismark_ is a link to a fan's Atlantis vid to the referenced song that you'll need to scroll down a little bit on the page to find. I don't know the vidder and didn't ask permission, but it's on a public site and is well worth the viewing, so I hope no one minds.

The R&amp;R was overdue even before John had run afoul of Kolya; what will that whole fiasco with the Asurans and then Elizabeth's further brush with Niam's booby-trapped nanites.  John's team was currently on stand-down while everyone waited to find out whether there were going to be repercussions from his having been fed on by the Wraith and then having his life-force restored, neither Elizabeth or Carson being willing to allow John to go back through the gate for a least a week.  Just in case.

 

When Lorne's team also ended up grounded because of a chance encounter with a bit of flora that looked an awful lot like a Terran fern but had had microscopic stinging hairs like nettles that drifted in the wind, well, Carson had lasted two more days before suggesting to Elizabeth that perhaps everyone's convalescence would be better spent elsewhere.  Like Carson hadn't been expecting John might get a little testy in having to continue to check in with him for a twice-daily battery of tests even when John _felt perfectly fine_.  Or that Cadman might have transferred her boredom into aggression against her former lover, since Carson was the one who wouldn't let any of her team go back on duty either.  All because the four of them looked like they had leprosy or mange, even though she and the others all felt fine too.  It wasn't like they were contagious -- just unsightly.  For a couple more _weeks_. 

 

Neither team was doing well in the boredom stakes, with Lorne, Doctor Parrish and Sergeant Cole matching Cadman's pariah status amongst most of the expedition and so limited in the social interactions and prohibited from all job interactions for at least another five days themselves.  As far as John's own team went, Ronon had quickly agreed to accompany Teyla when she'd taken advantage of the unexpected down-time and scheduled a trip to the Mainland to visit to her people.  Rodney had no reason not to go to the labs since John as the only one of them actually banned from even light duties, but even he had been showing the strain; snapping even more viciously at his people than normal and, while not yet actually making mistakes, being unable to stay focused on any of his myriad lab projects long enough to be useful.  All to preserve his carefully cultivated non-concern over John's well-being.

 

In a city as awesome and advanced as Atlantis, it was hard to believe that you could even be bored (as long as you weren't confined to a bed in the Infirmary), but John was -- they all were, as there were only so many hours you could play cards or spend watching movies you'd already seen seven or eight times, play chess or the Ancient version of Civilization (which was still John and Rodney's secret, so it didn't make for an option for any of the other anyway), or how many times you could sneak in a work out without injuring something -- or someone else running off to tattle on them to Carson.  At least in that last instance, since Lorne had been John's sparring partner and was the one on more restricted duty, John wouldn't have to play the badguy in letting the new Marine know he'd screwed up.  John was still surprised (and grateful) for how handy it was to have an actual, honest-go-God XO.

 

With having most of their entertainment options curtailed or completely taken way, Cadman hadn't been the only one paying the occasional visit to Carson to see if he'd rescind or at least amend his medical orders, and even he eventually had to concede to the tenet that boredom led to cranky, cranky led to bitchy, and that bitchy was about to lead to suffering -- Carson's suffering -- as several of them were prepared to go Dark Side on their doctor's ass if he scheduled any of them for one more fucking check-up...

 

So the order for mandatory R&amp;R had come down for both teams, a long weekend away from the labs, gyms and military sections, and no medical checks unless something untoward finally reared its head.  It had been Elizabeth's idea that they get fully out of the city (out of hers and Carson's hair) since it was all too easy to be found even if they didn't want to be.  Since none of them were cleared for gate travel, that left only the Mainland. 

 

Agreeing to a weekend off Atlantis with no fuss, John quickly gave the orders for his and Lorne's teams to pack their kits for a little camping trip, and let Cadman and Parrish loose on the cooks and the stores to collect enough provisions so they could have proper cookouts.  He promptly ignored Carson's suggestion that they forego bringing items such as their laptops since he wasn't about to enforce such a punishment on Rodney -- since Rodney wouldn't have even considered joining them despite Elizabeth's admonishment if he couldn't bring some of this toys.  Nor did John even let Elizabeth finish the suggestion that they needn't bother with individual comm. devices since they'd have the jumpers and the Athosian transceiver to maintain contact with Atlantis should something come up and they need to be recalled. 

 

It was already hinky enough with both John and Lorne being off Atlantis at the same time and leaving military command to Major Caravaggio who'd only been on Atlantis for six weeks.  John wasn't about to take any chances on being too far out of the loop or, again, depriving Rodney from the opportunities to check in with Radek.  There was also the detail in that he wasn't actually going to stay in the Athosian's village any longer than to see if Teyla and Ronon wanted to join the rest of them on the perfectly good beach fifty or so miles further south that could easily accommodate two puddle jumpers and eight people for three or four days. 

 

If John was going to be forced to take time away from his people and his city, he wasn't going to trade them for Teyla's despite Elizabeth's expectations, since his responsibilities over them weren't nearly as understood or accepted by Halling and the other Athosians.  Rodney would no doubt bitch about the sand and the sun, but John figured he could rig one of the jumpers to stay powered and cool for a few hours a day to give Rodney (or anyone else) an occasional escape if they needed it.  After the first day or so, John expected that even Rodney would allow himself to be soothed by the waves and the lack of immediate responsibilities.

 

********

 

John hadn't been too surprised when Elizabeth and Carson had joined the rest of them in the jumper bay the next morning.  Certainly those two also deserved some time off, both from their own recent traumas, and in having to deal with the aftermath of everyone else's.  No doubt it had just been the thought of all of the senior staff away at the same time that had John feeling uncomfortable, and not that it had felt a little like Mom and Dad crashing his beer bash and beach party. 

 

Yet Elizabeth hadn't even raise an eyebrow when Lorne's jumper pealed off while John took them to the Athosian village, or that they'd stayed only long enough to say hello to Halling, Jinto and a few of the others while Teyla and Ronon gathered their packs and joined Elizabeth, John and Rodney in the jumper.  Too, Elizabeth's pack had been the one that contained not only marshmallows, chocolate and graham crackers that the stores inventory had had no record of existing, but also a fucking baggie of something that smelled an awful lot like the finest _Afghani indica_, but had probably come out of Katie Brown's laboratory. 

 

Not that John was going to partake as he and Ronon finished with the firepit and Lorne and Parrish took over preparing a dinner of meat on a stick, foil wrapped vegetables and non-toxic salad since the Athosian equivalent of mayonnaise didn't include eggs.  John wasn't one to advocate against an occasional joint, drink or anything else that might help someone deal with the stress of being in another galaxy and more or less cut off from Earth forty-five of every fifty-five or so days.  He had, however, seen way too many guys during his deployment at Balad, who'd gone from the need of occasional relief, to using weed as a daily crutch to help them get up each morning, to then being stoned constantly (even when they were in the air and right up until the sound of impact) to ever consider any form of recreational drug use for himself beyond the occasional beer. 

 

Indeed, he liked to think he had enough of an appreciation for life to need any chemical enhancements, but if he was perfectly honest, he was also too much of a control freak to ever have a _good _trip -- even on morphine if he had any trace of awareness left.  There was also the little problem of worrying about the occasional needed use of stims and the too frequent necessity for heavy-duty pain relievers like morphine and oxycodone without volunteering to take something else he didn't want to ever become addicted to.

 

Watching Rodney roll a joint was actually more surreal than seeing him share the same with Elizabeth and Carson.  If anyone could be more worried about every little thing that could harm brain cells than Rodney, John never wanted to meet them.  Conversely, Rodney was also the first one reaching for the Tylenol 3 or begging for the good drugs depending on the severity of his pain, and he never hesitated to take the stims when the Wraith or other enemies were five days out and the science contingent had seven days worth of preparations to get through in order to stay alive. 

 

There also wasn't, to John's mind, anyone who more _deserved_ a little stress release than one Rodney McKay, since it was all too often only Rodney's clever brain and nimble fingers that were all that stood between success or failure -- between survival and death.  After all, it had been that thought and that need which had led John to make the first overture for a different kind of stress relief he could offer Rodney most of a year and a half ago, had then led to the both of them extending the same type of comfort to Teyla after Ford's disappearance.  Ronon's inclusion had been a given after that point, had been inevitable, just as was the eventual break into two single pairs or some other combination up to an included the four of them completely parting ways in the future. 

 

Against that day, John watched and looked for and noted things like Rodney eating with his usual relish,  Ronon laughing, or just being able to earn Teyla's smile from something so simple as bringing her a beer, so that he could horde and remember and hold them up against the moments of darkness that made up so many of John's memories.

 

"So what now?" Laura Cadman eventually asked with a glint in her eye that wasn't solely from the chiaroscuro the firepit painted on all their faces.  She'd not let the fact that the expedition's leader or her unit and squad commanders both were sitting across the way to stop her from rolling and passing around her own after dinner joint, and John was happy to see that Sergeant Cole was following her lead instead of following his or Lorne's, who had also passed on taking a hit. 

 

Teyla and Ronon both tried a few puffs, Ronon managing to blow even better smoke rings than Parrish had.  But Ronon passed after the second round, and Teyla spent more time coughing than inhaling to want to try again, although she did seem to be enjoying the fragrant smoke when Elizabeth through a few of the buds onto the fire.  John suspected once Elizabeth mentioned it also brewed nicely into a blend of tea, that Teyla could become more of a fan.

 

Or, _fuck_, brownies.

 

"Do we want to take turns telling ghost stories or play I Never or maybe even Truth or Dare?" Cadman continued, her face getting more animated and downright lecherous with each suggestion.

 

The quick intake of breath and look of abject fear on Carson's face maybe explained why Carson had been so quick to take up his own medicinal tokes.  His and Cadman's break up hadn't been nasty or even particularly acrimonious.  But Cadman also had a certain trait of viciousness in the face of vulnerability that had been enhanced and honed during her Marine training until her tongue could be as sharp as Rodney's, with Carson having been her favorite target of choice even before they'd broken up.

 

John normally accepted such lashing out as something that was pretty common to any woman who'd made a place for herself in any of the American armed forces; he condoned and even _used_ it as he would any other talent one of his people possessed when necessary.  That didn't mean he didn't feel a measure of guilt or wanted her to be an occasional goad against, say, Rodney, and John certainly didn't think that type of challenge or provocation had ever been appropriate with Carson, but especially not in their current setting since this was supposed to be a sort of vacation.

 

"I think we've too recently had enough real life ghost stories or at least tales of terror to go making more up, Laura," Lorne reigned her in, his tone dry and just a little mocking so that she knew it was her friend and team leader talking and not the Major.  They were all without rank here tonight -- this weekend -- or that was the intent.

 

"And we don't have enough beer or weed for a proper game of I Never," Doctor Parrish frowned.  "At least not for all ten of us."

 

Probably a boon if one really thought about it.  Not so much a concern about the game, but definitely regarding the controlled substances.  Somehow John suspected if anyone got totally wasted, Elizabeth's largess would dry up as quickly as the various stills neither she or he were supposed to know about.

 

"Don't think we have enough coordination for Truth or Dare right now either," Sergeant Cole put in his two cents with a wave of a hand that was completely enclosed in bandages to forestall infection, doing a damn fine job of integrating himself into his team or at least showing he wasn't too intimidated to speak up.  With the luxury of limited tours and the ability to allow rotations back to Earth now that contact had been reestablished with the SGC, Lorne's gate team was one of the training teams, with Lorne and Doctor Parrish being the only permanent members while mostly Marines filled up the other two slots before changing out every five months.

 

Teyla didn't need to ask for explanations; Ford had made a point of teaching her a variety of drinking games, Truth or Dare _and_ Spin the Bottle during their first year in Pegasus.  Only I Never had been played more than once around campfires like this with just her team, especially after Teyla had introduced them to a few Athosian drinking games and proved in yet one more way that she could kick their asses. 

 

Ronon didn't bother to ask.  Silence and just sitting were as normal and comfortable to him as breathing, although John liked to think that any silence between the team now was mostly companionable.  And that their times of non-silence -- especially when punctuating decidedly non-sitting actions -- were always enjoyable.

 

"Did I not see your musical instrument tucked in amongst the webbing, John?" Teyla asked before Cadman could really put much effort into her pout. 

 

"Wait, you mean you can actually play the guitar?" Rodney interrupted, his tone managing to be both scathing and incredulous, before John could answer her. 

 

Obviously it was going to take more than one joint and a full stomach to mellow _him_ out.

 

"Did you really think I'd waste my space allocation on the _Daedalus_ for something that would just look cool in my room?" John responded, a little heavy on the scorn and a lot heavy on the drawl in his own variation on _I'm surrounded by idiots _that he did not usurp from Rodney no matter what Rodney claimed.  Of course, John's Johnny Cash poster was exactly that -- and he'd brought it as his official 'single personal item' when they'd first come to the Pegasus Galaxy and were still pretty convinced it would be a one-way trip with no opportunity to pick up something at Sharper Image, Bass Pro Shops or Abercrombie and Fitch again.

 

Rodney, however, only looked curiously eager instead of defensive or offended, and maybe a little confused that Teyla knew that John played while he didn't.

 

"Oh, a sing-along is a terrific idea," Elizabeth also looked eager.

 

"I am not singing Row, Row, Row Your Boat," Carson declared.

 

John had no doubt his terror was a knee jerk reaction of being forced to watch _Star Trek Five_ too many times both at McMurdo and throughout their first year in Atlantis when their film selections had been pretty limited and skewed to sci fi over action/adventure as the scientists had outnumbered the military almost three to one.

 

John wasn't as sure about Elizabeth's idea of a sing-along; all he could picture was her reenacting the Peace Corp scene from _Airplane_ with Teyla and Ronon, but with songs instead of Tupperware and basketballs.  Nor was it as if he knew any camp songs and he didn't expect too many of the others to know that much Johnny Cash or Waylon Jennings.  Still, it would pass the time.  And, even if it turned more into a karaoke night, there would be mutual embarrassment of a much gentler sort than one of Cadman's ideas.

 

He rose to his feet, ignoring Rodney's immediate scowl and his own bit of trepidation at the fluidness of his movements and that nothing had cracked.  While he didn't believe for a moment that the Wraith had actually made him younger as Rodney had been claiming, John had to admit he was feeling pretty damn fine.  And that he hadn't before been able to keep up with Ronon -- or Teyla -- in stamina or flexibility quite as easily as he had his second night back.  What John had concluded was that the reverse feeding had healed as well as restored, that past injuries from accidents and enemy fire during the earliest part of his military career had been fixed rather than just mended and that the strains and stresses resultant of a few too many rough landings had been erased.  His concern was that the …thoroughness of the healing had something to do with the iratus DNA that was supposed to be fully dormant in his system, and he rather suspected that was what Carson was looking for too.  That the Wraith had also restored the retrovirus.

 

But no blue scales so far, and he had been pretty thoroughly checked by three different people.

 

Also ignoring the ease in which he was able to jog along the sand back to the jumper, John couldn't help but make a quick check over the ship's systems before going back to the hold to release his guitar from one of the webbed storage pockets. He spent another couple of minutes checking the tuning before leaving the jumper's confines.  While he'd already tuned it before they'd left this afternoon, between the flight and the increased humidity here on the beach he was expecting a bit of slippage and he wasn't sure who'd complain more if it were out of true, Rodney or Teyla.

 

By the time he walked back, the others had rearranged themselves slightly, with Rodney having moved to join Teyla and Ronon on one of several blankets they'd borrowed from the Athosians, and Elizabeth had somehow convinced Carson to massage her feet.  Everyone had certainly noticed that Elizabeth had begun interacting more socially with Carson after his and Cadman's break-up; John, however, didn't expect that anything romantic would actually evolve out of that.

 

Elizabeth was much too guarded of her position as the expedition's leader, was much too aware that certain members of the SGC and the IOA were always looking for a weakness in her they could exploit to have her removed.  And Carson… Carson needed someone who might at least consider him the second-most important thing in their lives, not somewhere down around the fifth or sixth priority. 

 

John would never regret making his move on Rodney but sometimes he wondered if Rodney and Carson might not be better suited were they together instead; both of them needy _and_ needing to be needed.  He'd even considered suggesting the two of them approach Carson about bringing him into their relationship back before Cadman had arrived, but then the Wraith had come and they'd lost Ford, and Teyla had found herself even more adrift upon discovering her own people had started pulling away into lives that no longer included her.  Even had they been able to ignore all of that, Cadman did arrive on scene with the new wave of expedition members, which had led to the weird Rodney-Katie, Rodney-Cadman thing that in turn had evolved into a Carson-Cadman thing.  A thing which had lasted right up until Cadman had made it clear that she intended to rotate between Atlantis and the SGC every deployment change to better maximize her experience and career.

 

As a good CO, John _could_ not put the breaks on one of his people's ambition, nor was it as if she wasn't a damn fine Marine who didn't deserve all of the accolades and promotions she was striving for.  But it certainly put her as one of those who just saw Atlantis as another assignment and stepping stone instead of home and that, more than anything else would have doomed hers and Carson's relationship to fail.

 

Hey, maybe Carson and _Katie_ would work out --

 

"Me first," Ronon was suddenly standing at John's side and taking the guitar from his hands with a gentle reverence you might never suspect in looking at him -- that you would never normally experience unless you were injured, or were the focus of Ronon's attentions during sex.  Watching Ronon drop back down onto the blanket with a grace in his loose limbs -- that John hadn't ever had, even when he'd been Ronon's age -- did nothing to take John's mind off of sex.  But, maybe not so surprisingly, seeing the look of pure lust and contentment on Elizabeth's face from Carson's ministrations did the trick. 

 

"You play too, Ronon?" Cadman asked in surprise and what looked like a bit of speculation that undoubtedly proved that she, conversely, was doing her level best to ignore Elizabeth and Carson.  Or maybe she'd simply finished yet another joint while John had retrieved his guitar, and was now relaxed and feeing no pain.

 

Cadman might not have a clue about the true nature of the relationship between John's team, but she had to be aware of Teyla's claim to Ronon -- or maybe she wasn't really Force Recon material.  Regardless, no matter how good a Marine Cadman was or wasn't becoming, she certainly did know that Teyla could whip her ass blindfolded, so John was a bit concerned with Cadman's recklessness. 

 

Before John could say anything -- not that he could without destroying their careful artifice of equality -- Cole tugged Cadman back toward the log they'd claimed and thrust a small stick toward her that had three lightly browned marshmallows just starting to drip.  John sent a quick glance Lorne's direction and got a nod back.  Good, Evan hadn't been too caught up in his conversation with Parrish not to have noted what was going on, and Lorne could reign her in if necessary as part of team thing this weekend instead of part of a chain of command thing later.

 

"We had something similar on Sateda," Ronon answered Cadman's question as interest was also mirrored on Carson, Rodney and Elizabeth's faces.  "The _wihue_, which only had five strings and all of the … frets on the same side of the neck."  He grinned and gave a little shrug.  "Wasn't that hard to figure out the differences."  Ronon then did his own check of the guitar's tuning and played a few riffs to show that he wasn't kidding about knowing what to do.  He maybe wasn't a Carlos Santana or a Eddie Van Halen, but he was probably better with it than John was.

 

"So you'll play a Satedan song for us?" 

 

John suspected Elizabeth's interest was beyond an appreciation for music or the generally mellowness of the evening; she was a much an specialist in languages as she was in politics and it was times like these where it was obvious that she was wishing her duties allowed her a better balance between her two academic loves.

 

"Sure, but you said a sing-along.  Doubt even Teyla would know any of our songs," Ronon rumbled good-naturedly, for all that he was talking about his dead world and vanished civilization. 

 

"Despite what he might have implied, the world does not revolve around Johnny Cash," Rodney groused from where he was making himself comfortable resting his head on Teyla's calf.  "Everyone might know a line or two of _Ring of Fire_ or _Folsom Prison Blues_, but undoubtedly only John knows _all_ the words.  Except I doubt he really does."

 

"Does that mean you're going to join in the singing?" John asked sweetly as he dropped down and leaned -- heavily -- against Rodney's legs.  He knew Rodney would do no such thing in front of people like Cadman and Elizabeth or Sergeant Cole, whom none of them knew very well.  One of the ways Rodney maintained his 'most genius status in two galaxies' was by making sure he never publicly participated in something he didn't do well in… like singing.  

 

It wasn't that Rodney's voice was so bad, but he had as difficult a time in remembering the words as he did people's names, which was really just evidence of how little a priority song lyrics were to Rodney, not an indication that his genius was slipping.  Rodney hadn't even sung along in the car on their two road trips during leave back to Earth, and didn't normally even hum along with his MP3 player when the two of them were just hanging out together in one of their quarters doing reports or other paperwork.

 

"I'd like to hear Ronon play, whether it's one of his songs or ours, or whether I know the words or not," Carson offered when Rodney shoved John off, although it was mostly for show and to have John adjust his position a little because something was digging in uncomfortably.

 

"Yeah, I'm kinda curious what songs the Colonel taught him myself," Lorne piped up from where he and Parrish had gone to restock the cooler with water bottles, soda and a few more beers.

 

"Hey, I just showed him the fingering and let him pick out what he wanted off my computer," John protested before he was further ganged up on.  "It's not like I brought any sheet music to Pegasus."  Or that John had actually needed to work with Ronon once Ronon had the chord conversions in his mind.  In truth, John had no idea which songs Ronon had spent the time learning, although he expected there would be one or two Johnny Cash ones included just because Ronon understood that Cash meant something to John.

 

Ronon simply ended the exchange by starting with the opening notes of Marty Robbin's [_El Paso_](http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pJx3ZI6mI6w), a song even Rodney seemed to recognize.  Anything he might have said was swallowed when they heard the first shift of Felina's name to Melina and Mexican to Satedan.  Despite few understanding the significance, no one else said anything or joined in singing although John suspected several of them could have at least managed the chorus.  Instead, the others were all enchanted for this opportunity to hear and see a side of Ronon not even the team got much of a chance to know.

 

After he finished that song, Ronon immediately launched into another flashy riff to no doubt break the mood that only his team really understood.  He then smiled and ducked his head under Teyla's hand gentle on his arm and then started up another, [_The Ballad of Yarmouth Castle_ ](http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DqTLCbogM1I).

 

"Oh, hey, that's Gordon Lightfoot," Rodney exclaimed even though he normally fought tooth and nail not to admit to a propensity of Canadianisms unless he was touting his country and countrymen's superiority over America and Americans.

 

Carson shushed him and Elizabeth held up a finger in warning to keep Rodney quiet about that before he could even open his mouth to complain. 

 

Ronon's voice was a sweet, mellow baritone, not especially trained, but easy to listen to with its certain gravity of respect for what he was singing.  It made John a little leery about when it would be his turn, and he hoped to God that Lorne or someone might join in instead of just sitting in stunned silence.  During John's deployments in the Middle East, musical nights like this were pretty common as a way to kill time and get to know one another since an acoustic guitar was one thing that sand didn't really bother when it got into it.  Everyone nearby usually joined in whether they could carry a tune or not and he really hoped Lorne or Cole had had some of the same experiences, even if they'd spend more of their careers with the SGC.

 

"So am I sensing a theme here?" Cadman teased while licking her fingers when Ronon left the Castle to its watery grave.  "I mean, do you know anything more upbe --modern?" she tried again as various sets of eyes turned her way. 

 

"Were you expecting him to pick up Celtic music?" Carson aimed his scorned a little more openly her direction than was his wont in his usual attempts to avoid confrontation.  "Or maybe Grunge?  Or Evanescence?"

 

"No, hey, I was just --"

 

"I like the ones that tell real stories," Ronon shot her his own look, obviously perfectly aware of the implications inherent in his song choices -- and probably her flirting.  "Goth Emo is stupid."

 

Which surprised a laugh out of all of them and Cadman settled back down next to Cole and waved her hand for Ronon to continue.

 

"I'm not doing all the parts of this one," Ronon then directed around the campfire before he started the opening melody for [_Highwayman_ ](http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uw1bHaUk1CM) and took Willie Nelson's part.  Lorne grinned and came in on Kris Kristofferson's section while Elizabeth, of all people, chimed in with Carson on Waylon Jennings' segment.  Which left the last for John, although he suspected everyone's deference and refusal to take it was as much because of the opening line: _I fly a starship across the universe divide_ than it was because it was the Johnny Cash part. 

 

Ronon then finished with something Satedan they couldn't really follow that he named as _Dragaedradzur_, which he explained afterward was also a story about the cycles of death and rebirth and empire building while he handed the guitar over to John.

 

"Um, I don't really know much rock to play," John apologized as he pulled up from his comfortable position leaning against Rodney.  "If you don't want country, pretty much all the rest I know is old folk stuff like the Limeliters or the Chad Mitchell Trio."

 

"Do you know Simon and Garfunkel's [_Scarborough Fair_](http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nt4HZ7AKp1s), Sir?" Cole asked. "I wooed an old girlfriend with that one in college."

 

"As I'm sure John's guitar playing also wooed the college girls," Elizabeth said not unkindly, but with a note of teasing herself.

 

"Actually, I learned to play from my mother," John found himself explaining because he did not want Elizabeth -- or anyone else -- thinking he'd only picked up the guitar as an easier way to pick up girls.  "When I was twelve, I spent the summer trapped in doors because I'd broken my leg, and she taught me as a way to keep me occupied."  Before anyone else could ask the inevitable questions as this was probably the first time he'd actually mentioned anything about his family, John started into Scarborough Fair and harmonized with Cole singing _Canticle_ instead of just keeping it straight.

 

"Since you know Marty Robbins, I don't suppose you can play [_The Battle of the Alamo_](true)?" Parrish requested.  "What, I'm from Texas and it's something I know the words to," he squawked when Cadman stretched over to slug him lightly.  "And, well, it kinda fits for where we are and what you all have gone through already."

 

"Except for the part where they all died and we didn't," Rodney groused and also revealed that he had a pretty good grasp of a wider variety of music than just classical as he liked to imply. 

 

"As long as you don't say anything about missed notes and you don't expect me to sing along I can probably manage," John said before things might escalate -- or Elizabeth intervened.

 

After that, John offered up _I Walk the Line_ next since Cash from him was expected, and just to fuck with Rodney's head, played it with the tempo and intonation of [Live's cover version](http://paperheart.vox.com/library/audio/6a00c2251e1d31f21900d09e4adda2be2b.html).  At the finish he then raised his brow Lorne's direction, who nodded in confirmation and John knelt up to hand the guitar over, figuring even if only Lorne and Ronon were the only others who played, they could keep everyone entertained a while longer.  A quick trip to the cooler to snag a bottle of water gave reason for him to slip away and he doubted anyone was particularly surprised -- if they even noticed -- when he didn't come back.

 

The strains of Johnny Horton's [_Sink the Bismark_](http://www.geocities.com/stormcrowe@sbcglobal.net/videos.html) started up as John moved up off the beach and into the surrounding trees.  He made a bet with himself that it would be Teyla who found her way to his side first, but it was actually Rodney.  Who was managing to be surprisingly quiet compared to his usual manner of conducting himself in such surroundings when they traveled through the gate.  Since some of the beer had been Molson's it wasn't surprising that that was what Rodney was carrying when he reached John's side.

 

"So you broke you're leg when you were twelve?"

 

Of course Rodney would ask, and John guessed he could be thankful Rodney hadn't done so while they'd been there with the others.  John could easily sluff it off with a quip or the meaningless version, but if John was going to share his body with Rodney, he should probably get used to sharing some of the other pieces of John Sheppard too. 

 

He made a quick check to make sure no one else had followed, or had come this direction on their own to take a leak or something, and then led Rodney over to one of the downed trees that they'd drawn their logs and fodder away from.  A part of him noted that it looked like the trees had been blown down more from a stray blast maybe during the Wraith siege at the end of their first year and not as a result of the super hurricane that had also almost lost them Atlantis.

 

"Oh, hey, this is from a concussive force, not wind shear or a storm surge," Rodney commented upon noticing the same thing.  "You know, we never did spend any time looking for wreckage and the Wraith lost a lot of darts back then.  Maybe we could --"

 

"Not until daylight, Rodney, unless you fancy falling into Wraith guts, or maybe setting off one of their self-destruct buttons or some unexploded ordinance."  John knew his voice had come out a little sharper than Rodney deserved, but then he had finally agreed to talk about stuff he didn't tell _any_one, and Rodney was already distracting himself.

 

"Right, right.  Too dark and you were going to tell me about your summer living out _Rear Window_," Rodney led them back on topic as he sat down on the log and pulled John down beside him.

 

"No murder to investigate and keep me occupied, although it did in with a body so it was probably more _Rebecca_ than _Rear Window_," John said with a lightness that was totally false to what he was thinking or feeling.  He was glad they were sitting next to each other with the only light around them coming from the twin moons overhead.  Although there had been nothing remotely sinister about that summer despite the Hitchcock movie references, it was still a story easier told in the dark.

 

"John, if you don't want to talk about it, we can just sit and finish our drinks," Rodney quickly offered him the out.  As well as his big, warm hand now covering John's that was picking at the outside seam of his jeans in lieu of being able to fiddle with his thigh strap since Elizabeth had insisted that none of them walked around armed. 

 

At least she hadn't even tried to convince John to leave back their guns entirely, although it was unlikely anyone could get to them in time if they became needed since they were stored in the jumper.  And Ronon, of course, had refused to go anywhere unarmed, so he had his variety of knives as well as his blaster that Rodney still hadn't found a way to reverse engineer for him and --

 

Realizing that he was stalling and distracting himself with things off-topic, John let Rodney still his fingers and curled them instead into the soft grip that Rodney was offering.

 

"My family had horses," he began, deciding it was unimportant to say how many or how important they'd been to his mother and, therefore, to John himself.  "I'd been riding since I was tall enough to get myself up on the back of one, but I wasn't allowed to ride alone, or to jump them even at twelve.  Unfortunately, my big brother at fourteen was allowed to jump, although even he had to have adult supervision." 

 

John paused for a moment, knowing this was also the first that he'd ever mentioned that he even had had a brother, when he probably should have once Rodney had admitted to having a sister.  But Rodney was managing to curb his curiosity _and_ his tongue, perhaps knowing too well how easily it would be for him to goad John into saying nothing else in favor of an argument.  It wasn't as if either of them were any good opening up about themselves.

 

"Being the older brother, well, Dave had always been one to make sure I understood there were things he could do that I couldn't.  And I, like most little brothers, didn't like being restricted, especially when there were things I could do better than him."

 

"I doubt it was just because you were the little brother," Rodney snorted softly and squeezed John's hand when John made a half-hearted attempt to pull away just a bit.

 

"Yeah, maybe," John conceded with little disagreement and made himself relax back against Rodney's side.  It wasn't like he was telling Rodney any great secret in this part.  His bridling against authority figures might have had its roots in his relationship with his brother -- and even more so with his father -- but he'd even been a trial to his mother despite the closeness the two of them had always had, and it was something he'd never grown out of, much to the dismay of teachers and COs alike, including Elizabeth.

 

"So little Johnny Sheppard set about at twelve to prove he could, what?  Jump? And I am assuming you mean real jumping like show jumping or actual steeplechase and not just escaping from a fenced in area?" Rodney prodded, turning his head a little and John found himself responding with a nod. 

 

"Mom was a medaled equestrian but I didn't give a shit about dressage.  Even show jumping is basically just riding horses around and around in a ring, so...."  He shrugged.  "Steeplechase might have been cool, but it wasn't something I'd ever even considered at that stage since I wasn't supposed to try jumping at all."

 

"No, of course not, Mr. I-like-anything-that-goes-more-than-two-hundred-miles-per-hour."

 

John was obviously never going to be able to live down.  He wasn't sure if it had been Teyla or maybe Ford who managed to tell just about everyone what he'd offered in his first encounter and attempt to make conversation with Teyla and her people.  In this instance, however, the gentle mocking was accompanied by one of those fondly indulgent grins each member of his team had taken to sporting too often on John's behalf and so he couldn't really snap back.

 

"Even the fastest horses can only gallop between twenty-five and forty miles per hour, and you're lucky if you can even get a mile out of them at those speeds," John still retorted a little defensively.

 

"But for a twelve year old boy, I imagine going even twenty miles an hour on the back of the horse would have felt like flying."

 

"Oh, yeah."  Caught up for an instant in the memory, John wasn't even embarrassed to hear fond indulgence flowing into stronger affection. 

 

"It was totally worth it, the yelling, the broken leg, even missing out on summer on the coast, with Dad still taking Dave there leaving me and mom to stay at home," John grinned.  "It was mainly just mom and me since she sent most of the help along with Dad.  That summer Mom taught me how to play the guitar and tried to teach me piano while Ester taught me how to cook more than gingerbread and cookies.  It was fucking great.  Right up until Ester told me about Mom's cancer."

 

"What… How long --"

 

John suddenly found himself being the one to keep his and Rodney's hands clutched together, although Rodney's floundering was a mixture of motion and _e_motion and not so much an attempt to escape.

 

"It happened almost thirty years ago, buddy, and we still had that whole summer together alone.  It's all ancient history and I've had as many years to get over it as she got at all," John tried to deflect Rodney's sympathy and concern.

 

"Fuck, John!"  And this time Rodney did pull away so that he could get to his feet and stand in front of John, who didn't have the convenience of a wall to slouch back against to maybe put a little room between them.  "Maybe so, but ancient and _Ancient_ history is what molds us into the people we've become, and I'd appreciate it if you wouldn't belittle what happened to the man I love," Rodney snapped back with a little more vitriol than John had been expecting. 

 

"Rodney --"

 

"No!" Rodney was suddenly pulling John to his feet with all of the strength Rodney usually let stay hidden.  "I get that neither of us are good with feelings but that doesn't mean we don’t have them -- or that they aren't important.  That _family_ isn't important."

 

"I'm not disagreeing," John twisted out of Rodney's grasp but made sure he didn't actually take more than one step away lest he give Rodney too much of the wrong impression.  He couldn't help but to glance over toward the beach and the others, however, to make sure their sudden movements and rising voices hadn't drawn any inappropriate attention, and that's when he saw he was truly, _royally_ screwed. 

 

The others had started bedding down (although he imagined there'd be quiet conversations still ongoing long before there would be much sleeping), with Carson escorting Elizabeth back toward one of the jumpers (since she was the one least use to sleeping out on the ground and there was no reason everyone had to).  The others, except for Teyla and Ronon, who were both, missing.  John didn't have to wonder long over how much they might have heard, as Teyla's hand appeared out of the silent darkness and took hold of his arm, drawing him deeper into the shadows before tipping her head in expectation. 

 

John inclined his own to touch their foreheads, finding it much easier to allow this intimacy than the hug that Ronon then bestowed on him from behind, although it was rough enough that it wasn't particularly an expression so much of sympathy as it was simply letting John know he was there should John need someone to lean on.

 

"Guys, I'm fine," John offered a little breathlessly, trying to reassure them that his sense of being overwhelmed and being a bit off-balance was only a physical reaction to their presence and not anything emotional.  "Sure I made myself a little sad thinking about my mom, but it's not like I'm alone here, and you all have lost a hell of a lot more than I --"

 

"You are right in that you are not alone here, John," Teyla chided him gently as she stepped back directly in front of him, so close that he _did_ need to lean a little against Ronon to ensure that he didn't push back and maybe push her away.  Rodney moved to bracket his and Teyla's sides, whether intentionally or not using his own bulk to further hide the totally inappropriate closeness of all four of them given their potential audience,  and forced a harsh kiss against John's lips as if pressing home Teyla's words. 

 

"None of us are alone here, Sheppard," Ronon growled into John's ear before claiming his own kiss.  "You've given us a home, given us a new family, and maybe that's what's allowed any of us to remember the families that we did have without so much of the pain.  Melina, your mom, Teyla's father and Rodney's …" Ronon paused there, since none of them knew the particular of that fill in the blank other than knowing there was one.

 

"Rodney's just about everyone," Rodney stuttered with a drop of his eyes to his feet.  "But only by choice and not death," he further explained when Teyla's hand gentled his embarrassment.  "My losses don't have the significance that the rest of you --"

 

"Any loss is significant, Rodney," Teyla then drew aside just enough to bring Rodney in so that the four of them were now more standing as square, with no one on the outside.

 

No one on the outside, as it should be, John could concede, even if that meant he'd end up having to acknowledge his own losses now and then, instead of just worrying about everyone else's.  They couldn't do anything more tonight, not even here without being overlooked or with the potential of being overseen, but that was something else that worked well enough between them.  The physical part of the relationship -- although always spectacular -- was actually a very small part of what happened or mattered amongst them. 

 

John had once heard Caldwell telling Landry that Atlantis was like the Island of Misfit Toys, and maybe that was so.  The thing was, those toys hadn't really needed Santa or the children (just as Atlantis didn't need the SGC or Earth).  They were their own family, for good and for bad, through thick and thin and, yes, maybe till death do we part.  Thanks especially to these three people, John could mourn his past but he no longer missed it, and he was pretty sure the others felt the same.  Which was a hell of a lot more than he'd ever gotten out of his marriage with Nancy, and was a hell of a lot more than he'd ever expected.

 

_I fly a starship across the Universe divide_   
_And when I reach the other side_   
_I'll find a place to rest my spirit if I can_


End file.
